THE LAST TIME

People don’t share with the world when they feel heartbroken, unwanted, miserable, lonely or vulnerable. People tend to reve...



People don’t share with the world when they feel heartbroken, unwanted, miserable, lonely or vulnerable. People tend to reveal only the good parts, the part they want to be seen by others. That’s why I didn’t post a picture of the messy room after we fought when I found out he was in bed with another girl. Or post a picture of the bloody broken mirror after he fisted it when he knew I kissed another guy. Instead, people commented on the photos of us as we are “goals” or something like “you both are so sweet.” But looks can be deceiving.

We were built on shaky ground from the start. I knew. And I can’t save us. I gave so many clues about my feelings and give you plenty of chances. I believed that one day maybe I will understand why or  maybe you will change to be the one I really want eventually. But it never came.
...
For months, we jumped into the river, dove into the ocean and walked into the dark like hundreds of time back and forth. No, we didn’t. I did. I jumped the river, I dove the ocean and walked the dark. Alone. For you. Again and again. And you never really notice. You never really care. And things between us these past months became a slow repetitive of withdrawing and not-talking. You were full with yourself and I never stopped crying. On repeat.
People think the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. But what I learn here is that the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too. As I was fighting for us, I was fighting to be lied to, I was fighting to be taken for granted, I was fighting to be ignored. I try not to blame myself for what happened, but it’s a hard thing to do. I still blamed myself for what I’ve done, I was dishonest. Dishonest to you. Dishonest to myself all the time. I never blame you. Despite all the heartbreaks you gave, despite all the wrong things you’ve done to me I never blame you. I never regret anything about us too. I am blessed to have the chance. That we had the chance once. At one point, you were exactly what I needed. And at that time, I am certain that the feeling was real. But it’s just not right. There is something strange about everything all these years actually but I overlooked every small hints. I just realized it now. That we’re not meant to be. And is it too much to ask for? I don’t want to fight to be hurt again. I don’t want to fight to be broken again. I started fighting to let go. And so I did.
...
It’s not easy. Never easy. It’s stressful. It was. For months, gosh. It is a long period of time. I read back some previous posts from last year until this month, and I was really damaged there. But little did you know. Little did they know. And if people see me now without knowing how I struggled, they will only see the healed one, the healed me. They won’t see that cracked girl back there. Nobody would believe that she was there before. But, who would care at all? No one cares. Even you and your friends won't. She cured herself. She dried her tears all by herself. And she is the whole new her now. Cured. Restored. Settled. And she is so thankful to be able to reach this point now.
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People say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Wait, no, the truth is you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it. You lose me. You already lost me so many months agoWe were both hurting each other. And we should stop. And now our broken bridge has fallen completely within the emotional breakdown.
xx

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4 comment(s)

  1. wait...i almost cry when i read your post, because i ever feel what you feel. But everything will be gone day by day, you'll forget everything about the heartbroken and will smile for it. I knew that, it's not easy. But every girls in this world, including you deserve to be happy :)
    So, smile darling <3


    www.deniathly.com

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    1. Hello Ade, thank you for reading. Thank you so much for your support. I believe that this is the best thing to do anyway :)

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  2. Looking forward for great happenings in your life...Take sometime to relax and enjoy life as it is...

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    1. Hi May, thank you so much for reading. Yeah, I am really enjoying my life right now, much much better. Thank you for your kind words :)

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