T his is a reflective post with some partial fiction fragments. … The morning was unusual quite the day when you called. I was ha...

This is a reflective post with some partial fiction fragments.
The morning was unusual quite the day when you called. I was having my hot chocolate as usual at work, sitting in my desk with pile of papers which need to be finished. I was feeling a bit anxious. "You are going to work?" you asked question when you already know the answer.
"Yeah, I have no choice," because being busy was the only way I keep myself from thinking. Of you.
"I won't be long, I am just checking on you being fine."
I didn't reply a word. Well, I already knew. You are just checking on me being fine. I am fine. Totally fine. Or should I just say no? Shouldn't you be aware that I am not fine at all after our last conversation that night?
I tried to remain positive. Because I knew you were not fine at all too.
I've been in daze. Everything was too fast. We both knew. Everything between us was so fast and unreal. Infatuation that turned into rejection. You are afraid. I knew. You doubt me. I already knew too. You have doubt in us. I knew it too well, right from the start. Right from our very first conversation. I can see it in you. The thing that we usually called trauma, past event pain, fear, anxiety, depression. The thing that you tried to bear. The thing that you buried deep in yourself. Then, you chose to stop. To discontinue the pain which you locked in your heart. Left me sinking in my own feelings for you. You said it was because the time. The time we collide wasn't right.
A month has passed and I never heard of you. My days are still packed and busy, the city is still crowded and everything moved slowly. Everything that happened between us, I didn't regret anything. Never did I regret my decision. I did the right thing. At least for myself. Even until the day I write this, I got a smile on my face. Remembering everything that happened between us. And I hadn't cried until the day we met and talk again. Burst into tears because it actually really hurts. Wept in your arms because I don't know where to stand yet. I don't know how to feel about you. I am just another girl, just another chapter. Everything change in a blink of an eye. I haven't been one yet, right from the very beginning perhaps I never was.

"Something about disconnection is it comforts in a million distant possibilities. But what is possibly even worse, is disconnecting something that never really seemed to reach its real potential - to end something that never really began to start with. Undeniable chemistry, horrific timing. They love each other, don't they?"

Another day, another afternoon. It was the last day of October. I was sitting in my room, throwing my eyes to the window. My head was still clouded with so many thoughts and questions that I were trying to figure out but couldn't find the answers anywhere. I knew, I should give the questions a break.
My stuffs are already packed. I am moving to a new office soon. A new start.
"Honey, you've prepared? are you ready?" I heard my mom knocked on my door. She opened and asked me if I was ready to go yet.
A small sour smile appeared on my face. Mom came into my room and sat on the bed with me. Mom knew I always hate goodbyes. It is hard, and even harder when you know probably that there won't be another possible hello.
She hugged me. "You are not capable yet, my darling. You are way too young," mom said as I tried to hold my tears. I didn't say a word.
"It is time for you to take a break for a while, to recollect yourself. After all the mess you've been through this year. Don't you think it is too much for you?"
Still I didn't say a word. I know it is time for me to go. Disconnecting all the feelings and believe that I am in control of myself while being completely not.
"Take some time to calm yourself and…," mom said to me again wiping tears on my cheek, "…when you need something, let me know."
I nodded. Realizing completely that I need to make up mind about this. To suffocate or let go.
"Eventually, my dear. He loves you, I know he does and I am so thankful for him for loving my beloved daughter. Now take your time as he takes his. Things will unfold before you. If he truly loves you, like what he said to you, if you truly love him as you do, if both of you are really meant to be, you'll see. But now, you two are both not ready to be, you both are too young."
Reconnection maybe not be our option. Maybe not now, maybe someday, maybe one day, or maybe not at all. As much as I am thinking about the possibilities, I am scared of the reality that we never really stand a chance. Not because of us, but because of the circumstance. Because of the time.
In a month, everything can change so fast. Mend or bend. You might forget about me in a flash or maybe replace me easily. My biggest fear.

A disconnection.

I put everything in the box, in the box you gave me on my day. Our pictures, some of our tickets and other stuffs, your book, even your picture in my purse. Everything is still there in their places. Treasured. I grabbed my bags, gave mom the tightest hug before I get to my car. I am going to be far from home. Far from you. Far from everything. Fuzzy light of the stars in the twilight, then the whole city suddenly turned into midnight. Letting my heart to rest. Yes, I am leaving. Yet, everything still remain the same. Until the time becomes right, as if there is really a slight chance.
Photos by: Shinta Agustinningtyas
Currently listening to: Eventually - Tame Impala 

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8 comment(s)

  1. very heart touched, at least for me now. part by part i read kinds of reflected what i feel but in different situation, about love and be loved, respect and respected. I'm not so strong as i thought. anxiety, fear to a loneliness. but i have no choice but let someone who i love gone. this is the real life :)

    1. hello Panji, thank you so much for reading. You are stronger than you think, I hope you can get through your difficulties in life. I wish you happiness!

  2. I love your writing. It's really beautiful and I'm a fans of your blog. Sincerely, your silent reader 😃

    1. Oh my! Kessssssiii *sobbing into tears of happinesssss* wah makasi ya kessss, more writings to comeeee anyway 😉

  3. great post

    Mrs. Aa

    1. thank you so much Avel, for being such a loyal reader of my blog! :)

  4. I love your writing ❤️
    I've read your blog for long time but this is the first time i put a comment on it.
    Darling, i just want to say, you're such a strong, caring, positive woman. Please keep being you. And i personally, give you an advice. Don't trust too much. Don't get easily to believe for someone.
    There are people who gifted to make a fool of everyone very softly. Sound and seems trusted, but it isn't the truth.
    Reconnection may be not the best option if you cann't find the true reasons of being disconnecting.
    Be strong.
    Open your heart, open your mind.


    1. hello there Mr./Miss anon, thank you so much for your kind comment. And I am so happy to know that you've read my blog for a long time. And I am also so grateful for your kind words and advice, it means a lot for me personally. Again, I would like to say thank you so much.

      kind regards,


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