ONCE IN AWHILE, I DISAPPEAR.

"Once in awhile, I disappear." People are so busy updating their life through their digital contents and keeping themselv...

"Once in awhile, I disappear."

People are so busy updating their life through their digital contents and keeping themselves informed with other's recent broadcast. Younger me was so fire-spirited. The first time I created my page on the internet and started to use social medias, I challenged myself to make as much contents as I could and communicating myself to the world. I share so many things online, I share way too much but still don't share enough. It was so much fun at first, knowing that people noticing me and acknowledging my work until validation kills the enjoyment. Until it was not expressing but more about impressing. Until I felt overwhelmed by the obligation to do this kind of thing just to satisfy my super big ego. I beat myself up. Until I felt overjoyed about sharing. I am holding myself on this false sense of security and appreciation. As medias become our dimension, an extent of being present in this digital world as the indicator we are being present in the real world. We do want to feel connected, synced into this larger community. We do want to be existed, to be sure that we are a part of it.
The internet. Social media. Bitterness. Don't get me wrong, I still like sharing as much, too. There are these two kind of opposite feelings that I felt at once: the excitement and also anxiety to be online all the time. Where I feel connected in some ways but also feel disconnected in the other way. I thought that sharing some snippets about my life online like sharing happiness, things I love, moments I spend with my beloved people would be harmless. But now I felt some kind of hesitation in everything that I share online. And I thought the idea of catching up with other's life online would be fine too. But sometimes the less we know the better. Suddenly I felt that all of this thing become more boring and senseless. This larger community becomes larger and larger. It becomes louder and louder. Too noisy, too crowded, chock-full. And bit by bit I felt emptiness in my heart. I felt uncomfortable with all the buzz. That is when I got myself back-fired. This activity of sharing things become meaningless. Everything about this activity of sharing to be alive become unnecessary when I realize what really matters. In the long run, I mutely withdraw from the screen gradually and enjoying the activity of remaining myself silent.
"When all the broken feelings overwhelmed my heart, I just want to hide. I don't want to be seen. Sometimes I think that I want to disappear, but all I really want is to be found."
There is a bliss when I take a moment from the screen. There is a joy in evanescing in a way I can't explain. Well once I did this "social media detox" thing in January 2017. That is when I erased all social medias account of mine. I deleted my facebook, shut my tumblr account down, stopped my instagram account, neglected my twitter and paused writing on my blog too for months. I disappeared. But then I realized, the one that is actually toxic is my life. And the one that in fact needed detoxification is myself. There is no such thing as social media/internet detoxification. Like it or not, the internet has become a part in our lives that is hard to be separated. Avoiding and shutting it is probably not a wise option to do. And the bitterness and harm depend on how we deal ourselves with it. So, that is why now I think social media detox is really a joke. It is an excuse I made when I feel my life is out of control, is a mess. And I blame things (such as the internet) for this bitterness I felt when the real thing that is bitter is my own life. Realizing how immature I was, for shutting myself down just because I was so broken-hearted, because I was unhappy with my real life, period. Now I come back to the surface, I made a new facebook account (yeah crap), I shit-post again on my tumblr, I tweet on my twitter after awhile, I post on instagram again and I write on blog again. And of course, I also did the most important part: detoxing my real life, detoxing myself.
Even though I don't believe in the idea of social media detox and escaping the internet thing, there are lessons that I learned from the silence back then: to have control of how I feel. I have the control of everything about myself, my being and my life. Both my real life and my life online. I "disappeared" from the screen quite often starting that time last year, temporarily from time to time until today. I devoted those quietness, which with every unspoken words and letters give myself its own space. I didn't push myself to post anything when I don't have any genuine voice that I want to say. I give myself much time and I, indeed, need that kind of time. Cutting myself off and rethinking about the kind of creative direction I would happily stroll into, the one that fits me truly and are beneficial for myself. Whatever and whenever I like to do so. And now, I am finding myself dealing with less pressure in living my online life and of course on how I live my real life, too. I am so happy to know that the quality of my personal relationship with my family and friends also improved. This kind of quiet discovering moments helped me to find the innermost connection which I've been craving for long. The real connection that I always wanted. That kind of connection that brings comfort, yet also bound with charge and concern. With braveness to face each tiny layers of attachment to make them last. Without any validation from the outside. Without any impulse to share it with the world just for the proof of being.

"Life hits the rock many times. But I wouldn't let myself get high off the fabricated illusion of reassurance from the silver screen. The value of our worth and presence is not marked by the love buttons, the colorful words in the box or the rest of the world who just see our representative. The selves we are is not less whole nor complete. With an asterisk, worthy of love anyway."

I am still learning about this whole self-awareness of existing and disappearing. And this kind of liberation is luxury. To be in control without any strange feeling of what to share and what to keep for yourself. What is necessary to be posted and what is not. To exist and it is okay to exist. Also to disappear and it is okay to disappear for awhile, you can take your time as much as you need. We all have this kind of fear of non-existence. We are afraid to be absent and feel like we don't belong in this part of large community. But we all can adjust our minds about this concept of presence. It is manageable, it is really under our authority. With or without, sharing or not sharing, I keep moving with my life, I keep working, I keep living. Well. And better. And now I realized completely that there would be times when once in awhile I will disappear again. Owning every storms that disrupt also enjoying myself in a calm presenting moment afterward. And when I return, I will be there with a full bursting heart, as bright and vivid as it is every time the sky flicker with ray of hopefulness after the rain.
❤️
xx

Photos by: Arya Predana
Currently listening to: Three by Sleeping at Last 

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