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A MOMENT OF EXTREME CRISIS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND FINDING (LOVING) MYSELF AGAIN
10:38 AM
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| "The time will come, when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving, at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself." - Love after Love by Derek Walcott |
Existential crisis is not just
once-in-a-25-years-old-experience. It can happen many times, again, and again, later. Like a check point where you re-discover yourself. A site where you find yourself when you have been lost. A place to re-love yourself. A reminder to savor everything in life, no matter how mundane of familiar they have been. I forgot how to read. I used to be an avid reader. But
these past one year, I could barely enjoy one book. I just could not finish a
book as I used to. I even bought myself my own kindle. Maybe I will read more
if I have an e-book reader but truth is… I don’t. Okay, I know, I am older now.
The younger Dias has more time than the older Dias now. The younger Dias has
more energy to read than the older Dias who finds spending time with her family
and sleeping are more important than reading for leisure. And reading itself is
a complex activity and I just could not concentrate myself as full as I was
when I was younger. Perhaps the other reason also is that I haven’t found a
good book to stick on to nonetheless the pile of my to-be-read books which I
haven’t touch since I even could not remember. And now, I am on my journey to find what I love doing again. Maybe I won't have that time where I can read that much as I could, but at least I want to find myself doing what I once loved doing again. I want to have that good feeling when I read something that inspire me. I want to love myself who are so deeply involve in written words that I forget everything about the world. Even for just one sentence, I am starting to read again.
...
And I fail to recall how to write
on blog. Daily journaling, writing my feelings, memorizing specific experience into letters, celebrating even the most monotonous activity in my life. Because, the most ordinary experience in life are utterly extraordinary. Sometimes, or most of the times I'd say, is about the quiet moments in life. Catching on to a secret that is hidden in plain sight all along. I am usually pretty good about my thoughts and feelings. A piece of
paper, a pen, a cup of coffee and a sad song. That was how I used to enjoy
myself. So, where did my old self go? Why I couldn’t find her anymore? Why I missed
her so much? I thought I have my life figured out. But truth to be told, no one ever had their life figured out. We are all in a race to a destination most of us not know whereof. There will always be time when we are lost. There will always be a moment where
we are in the middle of an extreme crisis out of nowhere. There will always be
a moment of pause where we look back just to see how far we have gone and if
we’ve gone wrong, how far we’ve lose track. Or a moment to weep on how far we
have been so strong to walk this far. How deeply the world and the people could wound you, you just need a moment to cry just to be ready to smile and walk again. No matter how broken your heart was, you just need a moment to stay still and have a little peek in the faith inside of you. Just a moment to look inside yourself again to
find that greatest form of love, self-love, again to remember how to value your own self.
It is indeed an endless endeavor. An exercise on
a daily basis to make it consistent. And after all, learning to love others
begins with learning to love ourselves. And once we realize our value, we know
how we must be loved and respected by others, too. You may be weaker than the whole
world, but you are always stronger than yourself. I am in the state of not being okay, broken-hearted. I guess I will be better eventually.
❤️
xx
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